I am not entirely sure where to start – this October, we will have been married for five years. For the life of me, I cannot remember why I even agreed. We never proposed or let alone spoke to each other. I was not coerced into marriage, neither were you. We both agreed to the idea in order to keep our parents happy.
In the beginning, I was “happy” with the idea, but as the wedding date got closer, the more irritated I got. All through the wedding ceremony, I was not happy but thought to myself, everything will work out in the end.
The first few months of marriage were novel, introducing you to a handful of close friends and trying to get to know each other. However, there was always a lingering thought in the back of my mind that something was not right.
(No one outside my immediate friends/work colleagues know I am married. To the outside world, you are a secret; there is nothing on Facebook to link us. Other couples change usernames, post pictures of each other, post details of anniversaries/date nights/holidays. I do not!)
I look after you, provide for you, buy you anything you want – but I do not have an emotional connection with you. The truth is, I have never loved you the way I should or returned the love you have for me. It is painful to watch you gaze into my eyes and say “I love you”. The “love you” from me is hollow; void of emotion. At best, we are nothing but good friends. After five years, I do not even know what your favourite colour is. (Something so basic a couple normally share on their first/second date.)
Our sex life is pretty much non-existent; in the past 18 months, we have had sex three times – at your urging. Being male, a close friend once passed comment about how often he had sex with his partner. I was depressed knowing his routine. As a 30-year-old man, I want to have sex on a regular basis, but not with you. I want it with someone to whom I am attracted and with whom I have an emotional connection. I just cannot force myself to touch you in such a manner.
Last year, you visited your family for a couple of weeks. I was left alone; I was so happy. Most people get upset at coming home to an empty house but I was overjoyed. In my heart, I desperately hoped you would not come back.
I know you will do anything to keep me happy but, sadly, I do not want to be with you any more. Your idiosyncrasies, which at one brief moment I found entertaining, now irritate the life out of me. However, I lack the courage to tell you that I want a divorce. I do not want to hurt you, but I do not know how to sit you down and have this discussion.
Never in my life did I think I would get married and then entertain the idea of a divorce. Looking back, I should never have agreed to marriage. I should have let it come to me and not agree to the idea to keep my parents happy.
As I said, I do not love you but I do not want to hurt you either. I am not selfish, but truly very unhappy in my current situation.
Yours