The Weird Way Social Media Is Messing With Your Brain

You may know the eye cream she uses before bed and her favorite poolside cocktail. But following someone's social-media feeds doesn't mean you know her. How hanging out on the Internet is messing with our relationships—not to mention our minds.

You may know the eye cream she uses before bed and her favorite poolside cocktail. But following someone's social-media feeds doesn't mean you know her. How hanging out on the Internet is messing with our relationships—not to mention our minds.

On a balmy summer evening in San Francisco, Bridget and her husband were out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Absorbed in the intimate conversation of married people, they didn't notice the pretty young woman walk in the door behind them until they heard her exclaim, "Bridget!" Bridget (that's not her real name, by the way) looked up, tried to smile, but couldn't overcome the confusion in her expression. She had never seen this person before in her life.

Months later, Ellen (a.k.a. "pretty young woman") recalls, "I didn't even say, 'Hi!' I just said her name, like how a toddler sees a dog and says, 'Dog!' She stared at me for a second—then I ran away." The thing is, Ellen isn't friends with Bridget. They don't even know each other. "She's a woman I follow on Instagram," says Ellen. "My friend and I are obsessed with her; we text each other screenshots and discuss her like we know her." Months later, Ellen was in fact introduced to Bridget. "She was very nice. I don't know if she recognized me as her crazy stalker from the restaurant, but I'm still mortified."

Knowing what someone had for breakfast used to mean you knew them; now it means you have a smartphone. "Social media gives us access to people's lives in ways that didn't used to be possible, which causes a blurring of the lines between strong and weak ties," says Shelia Cotten, a sociologist and the associate chair for research in the department of media and information at Michigan State University. It's relatively easy these days to know a whole lot about strangers who have no idea who we are—and our brains tend to translate knowing into liking. Since the 1950s, social scientists have been aware that the more you see someone, the friendlier you feel toward them.

Although you know that these people aren't really your friends, whether you see them on Snapchat or in a restaurant, you're hardwired to think you know each other. To your brain, a face is a face. "Our brains haven't evolved since the invention of these screens," says Steven Peterson, a professor of communication studies at UCLA.

It's nothing new for people to be intensely interested in the lives of total strangers. It's the whole premise behind reality television. "Imagery, narrative, and storytelling have always provided a way for people to identify their place in the world," says Peterson. "Even a one-sided relationship fulfills a lot of needs for social interaction and knowledge of social hierarchy," he says.

Unlike reading a tabloid to find out what kind of latte Jennifer Aniston was last seen drinking, following someone on social media allows for the possibility of a real connection. "We needed to give my dog away, and we ended up giving her to someone in Ohio whom I met on Instagram," says actress and writer Jenny Mollen, who uses social media to showcase her life as an offbeat Hollywood mom. What Mollen shares with her more than 140,000 followers is so raw and unfiltered (she has posted videos of herself in labor), her fans feel like they know her—and know her well. Surprisingly, that's reciprocated. "When someone comes up to me, I'm instantly disarmed and start to open up to them like I do online," she says. "I have to constantly remind myself that I don't know them."

This new kind of "knowing" can happen through any form of social media, but if it seems like you feel particularly friendly toward the people you follow on Facebook, there's a reason. Research shows that the closer the technology takes you to face-to-face interaction, the more likely you are to think you're actually friends with this perfect stranger. "You'll likely feel closer to the people you follow on image-heavy social media than the ones that rely primarily on words, like Twitter," says Rebecca Adams, a sociologist and the director of gerontology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.

"There's not one day that I go out and a stranger doesn't ask about my kids by name," says June Ambrose, a stylist with more than half a million Instagram followers. Her most popular posts? The ones of her kids. "Children and dogs resonate way more than fashion," she says. Although Ambrose shares personal shots, when you see a picture of her on Instagram, you're not exactly catching her unawares. Curating her images, and her image, is part of business. She likes to say that she "puts it all out there," but Ambrose's account, like every social-media account, reveals only what she wants you to see. It's why Instagram isn't bursting with pictures of people yelling at their kids or biting off a hangnail. Social media is the part of the Venn diagram where our dreams and our realities overlap.

This facade is why meeting social-media celebrities, like meeting your heroes, can be...weird. Breaking that fourth wall drives home something your rational brain already knew: Knowing someone loves Beyoncé and has a cat named Pancakes is not the same thing as knowing someone. Social media is reductive. We're more complicated than our pedicures and predilections for white flowers, no matter how artfully arranged. But maybe the point of social media isn't to forge real friendships or find a home for a pet. Maybe the point is simply to enjoy these "friends" from afar.

"It's a friendship with no strings attached," says Jane, a professor in New York City. Last summer, Jane (not her real name) discovered an intriguing woman who lived in her apartment building through the building's Facebook page. "Facebook led to Instagram, and before I knew it, I'd spent the afternoon prowling her online. That night, my boyfriend joined in; it became a game: Who does Mallory [not her real name] work for? Where does she eat? What's her favorite coffee shop?"

And then it happened: "I was in the elevator, and in walked Mallory. She looked right at me and asked, 'Are you Hannah?' Our first words! 'No, I'm Jane,' I said. Finally, I'd introduced myself. She never did, but she didn't have to. I already knew."

Watch Buzzfeed's "Friends: Social Media Vs. Real Life"