Lovable gazillionaire Mark Zuckerberg announced this week that Facebook is working on adding a “dislike” button to the globe-conquering social media site. Users have been requesting it for years, as it would enable them to express empathy about bad news. Until it arrives, here’s our handy 10-point etiquette guide to “liking” stuff on social networks.
1 | Holiday snaps
Show-offy pics of beaches, infinity pools, sundowner cocktails or hotdog legs – especially if accompanied by a “Not a bad view this morning” or “My office for the week” caption – should, on no account, be liked. It just encourages them. Instead, leave a “Don’t worry about the weather forecast and try to enjoy yourself!”-style comment to induce anxiety and dial down their smugness.
2 | How far they’ve just run/swum/cycled
Use the comments to remind them they used to be fun. Follow with a winky face emoji to pretend you’re joking.
3 | Wedding pics
If you were there, no need to “like” – your presence and its attendant vast expense was enough. If you weren’t there, bitterly press “like” in lieu of a wedding present. Gits.
4 | Inspirational quotes superimposed on sunsets
Only one correct response here: slag off the font.
5 | Bad news
When a friend posts something truly sad, such as serious illness or the death of a loved one, pressing neither “like” nor “dislike” is enough. Only a heartfelt comment, free of abbreviations or emojis, does the job. Better still, take it offline. Beneath the avatars, we’re still human.
6 | Selfies
Unless they’re drunken friends with their sweaty faces stuck together, selfies are fishing for compliments. Instead of pressing “like” or paying the compliment, pick up on an irrelevant background detail, eg “Is that the Ipswich branch of Nando’s?” or “Your skirting board could do with dusting, lol”.
7 | Humblebrags
Ah, false modesty. “Felt so out of my depth at the 100 most influential people party!!!” The best response is still a knowing #humblebrag. Not too mean yet shows you’re on to them. And fully conversant with circa 2011 web slang.
8 | Food pics
Burger shots? Avocado-based brunches? Anything involving the non-word “nom”? Simply respond with full details of your latest bowel movement. That’ll learn ’em.
9 | Earnest causes
“Like” is obviously inappropriate for deaths, disasters and refugee crises. If you wish to acknowledge that you appreciated the post, settle for a thoughtful comment or link to somewhere that can help.
10 | Baby pics
Never respond, in any form. The new parent will totally notice and your indifference will gnaw away at them until you have a blazing row about it. Hey, that’s what social networks are for. You’ll laugh about it in 18 years. Possibly.
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