Think of someone who’s had a profoundly positive influence in your life. Was it a teacher? A coach? A mentor? A parent or grandparent? A friend? This person was a good listener, right? This person was grounded in generosity and transparency, not self-indulgence or hidden agendas. Right?
If those descriptions ring familiar, you already have a pretty good understanding of influence. But because we live in a world of counterfeits, it’s often helpful to return to basics.
So I visited with Bob Burg, author of The Go-Giver series of books that have consistently stayed on bestseller lists and have been translated into 22 languages. Another of his books is Adversaries into Allies: Master the Art of Ultimate Influence. His core message is that successful people give rather than take.
That’s consistent with what we’ve emphasized here many times: effective leadership is all about influence. Not authority, not title, not power, and certainly not manipulation. Influence.
Rodger Dean Duncan: In an early draft of my friend Stephen Covey’s landmark book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit Four was simply Win-Win. Then he added an all-important word—Think Win-Win. He wanted to emphasize that you must invest as much energy in the other person’s “win” as your own. Otherwise, the relationship risks becoming win-lose, which could then devolve into lose-lose. What role does that kind of focus play in your approach to influence?
Bob Burg: Well, Dr. Covey’s book is certainly one of my all-time favorites. Indeed, wisdom for the ages! I’m also a huge fan of his son, Stephen M.R. Covey, whose book, The Speed of Trust I continue to recommend. By the way, into the foreword to his son’s book, Dr. Covey wrote, “Trust is the ultimate root and source of our influence.” Wow—to me, that says so very much!
Regarding Dr. Covey adding the word, “Think” before Win-Win, well, that was brilliant! It plays a very, very important role.
When John David Mann and I—in our Go-Giver book series—are asked about the basic premise of all of our stories (and this holds true for Adversaries into Allies, as well), we say it’s shifting one’s focus from getting to giving(giving, in this context, meaning constantly and consistently providing value to others. That’s not only a pleasant way of living life and conducting business, it’s the most profitable way as well.
And “profit” doesn’t relate only to money. To paraphrase the late bestselling author Harry Browne, “profit” refers to any exchange which brings about an increase in happiness.
It’s really about moving from an “I-focus” or “Me-focus” to ”Other-focus”—discovering how you can bring value (in whatever form that value would hold to the beholder) to that person.
This is why, in the financial context, “Money is simply an echo of value; it’s the thunder to value’s lightning.” When your ultimate “focus” is on how you can benefit the other person, the money will be a very natural result. Of course, again, this holds true in any type of relationship, whether financial, social, relational, etc.
Duncan: For many people, the word “influence” has a feel-good quality about it. “Manipulation,” on the other hand, has a sinister tone. How do you see the fundamental differences?
Burg: The difference is really between “manipulation” and “persuasion.” Influence itself—which on a very basic level can be defined as the ability to move a person or persons to a desired action, usually within the context of a specific goal—is neither positive nor negative.
It’s sort of like the physical law of gravity. Gravity in and of itself is neutral. It manifests itself as good when keeping us from floating aimlessly up into space. It manifests itself as bad when we fall off a seven-story building.
In this same way, influence is negative when one manipulates others simply for someone’s own selfish purposes. Influence is positive when one persuades others in order that both/all parties obtain the results they want. The major difference is in the intent.
Both manipulators and persuaders understand human nature, human motivation, what drives people to take action on certain ideas. But while manipulators will utilize that knowledge for their own ends only, persuaders will never do that.
The reason is that for persuaders to feel good about utilizing their influence they must know that not only does the other party also win (Stephen Covey’s Think Win/Win) but that the other party also feels good about the situation.
Thus the “Other-focus” discussed in the previous question. I use the term “Genuine Influencers” to designate people who ask themselves questions to ensure that their focus and intent are both correct.
- How does what I’m asking this person to do align with his or her goals, his or her wants, his or her needs, his or her desires?
- How does what I want this other person to do align with his or her values?
- What problems am I helping him or her to solve?
- How will my suggestion add value to his or her life?
When asking ourselves these questions thoughtfully, intelligently, genuinely, and authentically, again, not as a way to manipulate another human being but as a way of building and benefitting everyone in the process, now we’ve come a lot closer to earning that person’s commitment rather than trying to depend on some type of compliance based on position, trickery, or manipulation.
There’s perhaps nothing more dangerous than a bad person with good people skills. History is littered with evil people who’ve influenced people in horrendous ways. History is also filled with many great people who’ve influenced people in ways that have been beneficial to the masses.
Duncan: What are the keys to ensuring that an initial desire to influence does not inadvertently morph into manipulation or coercion?
Burg: Great question! And I think it’s important to understand how manipulators often manipulate. Typically what they'll do is attempt to play on your negative emotions in order to elicit your compliance. In other words, they'll try and make you feel bad, selfish, naïve, foolish, guilty, or whatever emotion they can bring out of you that will cause you to capitulate to their desire in order to have relief from those negative feelings about yourself, even though doing so goes against your best judgment.
You can recognize when someone is trying to do this to you when you feel any of those negative emotions. And, you’re being asked to do something that you simply would not do of your own choosing or free will.
Thus, if you feel yourself about to make a decision that you know you normally wouldn't make, or you're about to take an action that you ordinarily wouldn't take, the first thing to do is stop. If you feel any type of negative emotion as you’re about to do this thing, ask yourself why. You’ll know the answer. There’s a chance you’re being coerced into doing something you don’t believe is the right choice for you.
Remember, you do have free will. You simply might have temporarily become unaware of that because a master manipulator (or even an unintentional manipulator) was playing on your emotions.
So, go into consciousness mode. Stop and ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way right now? Why am I feeling as though if I don't do this thing that this other person wants me to do that I'm stupid, or naive, or I should feel guilty or badly about it. Why?”
With that said, and in answer to your question, if you feel yourself causing the other person to feel negative emotions in order to elicit your compliance then you might slipping into manipulation. It’s important to be very careful that you don’t rationalize(tell yourself “rational lies”) that you’re doing it for “their own good.” It’s still manipulation. Of course, if it’s a life and death situation and manipulation is the only way to accomplish your goal then that’s a different story. But that isn’t what we’re discussing here.
