The Japanese have decided to scrap their planned Olympic stadium, designed by Zaha Hadid. Costs have ballooned, the public disliked it and the prime minister, Shinzo Abe, listened to the “voice of the people” and gave it the heave-ho. Hooray. How refreshing – what a sensible decision. Better still, they’ve been mocking Hadid’s design, recasting it as a hairdryer, a spacecraft, a footbath, a rusting tank, a stranded turtle and a child’s potty. This has perked me up enormously, because, in this country, we hardly ever dare to laugh at our grand architects.
What a pity. Was there ever a profession so up itself? Yet we still fawn over them, so their heads get bigger, their buildings more outrageous and useless. They display not the tiniest smidgen of modesty or doubt, and no one restrains them or gives a fig for the “voice of the people”.
I recently picked up a chum from Moorfields eye hospital in the car, and got a terrible fright as I pulled up. The gigantic, wedge-shaped “optical illusion” that is the Montcalm hotel building was pointing sharply at me in a rather oppressive way. Or was it? Which bit was real? Where had the street gone? Would my friend think his eye operation had failed when he came out?
But it’s not just the monster egomaniac buildings that enrage me, the ones that heat up like a bakehouse, burn their surroundings, fall to bits, imperil window-cleaners, remain empty, cater only for millionaires, cock up our skylines, darken and oppress our streets. It’s the rubbish built for the poor that is really sickening: cheap, dull, minimum-height ceilings, mean little square windows – no ornament at all, not even a sill – crappy materials and the crappiest possible design. Near me lives an elderly woman in sheltered accomodation, with the fire alarm placed above her cooker. She hasn’t cooked a meal in months. But who cares? These places are for plebs. No architect would leave their dog in one overnight.
“You’re flogging a dead horse,” said Fielding. “They just want money. They have no idea how people live.” Well, let’s tell them. And mock. It worked in Japan. Why not here?