Astronauts: Living in Space – TV review

Wow, Astronauts: Living in Space (Channel 4) is like Gravity, only real. Well, Gravity before the debris hits. And with real-life astronauts Koichi, Mike and Rick in the Sandra and George roles. So a little less glam, less A-list.

They're in the International Space Station, orbiting 240 miles above the earth at 17,500mph. It's both extraordinarily brilliant and also a tiny bit frustrating.

How so? Well, it's extraordinarily brilliant because of where they are, and how they are there, and why they are there, living for six months somewhere properly different. It's "a bit like camping", says Koichi. Nothing like any of the camping I've ever done, it's not. (Immediately cancels all future holidays and starts saving for space tourism. Is Branson really the only option, or will there be an East Coast Main Line alternative?)

We see Koichi, Mike and Rick going about their daily lives, cleaning their teeth, shaving, doing the vacuum cleaning, having breakfast, working out in the gym, celebrating Thanksgiving (they even invite the Russians over – this was before, as well as possibly above, Crimea). And all minus a force we take for granted down here, which makes the most menial chore both extraordinary and beautiful. Even taking the rubbish out is fun: nudging a big, floaty sack alone along the corridor (not sure that's technically the right term), through hatches, into a capsule, which, when full, will be fired back to earth, to burn up on re-entering the earth's atmosphere, like a shooting star. It's the greatest incinerator (not) on Earth.

We witness some of the work they do. The "ants in space" experiment is my favourite, though Peta might not approve. An ant loses pretty much all of its dignity in microgravity. We see our astronauts phone home, with video linkup, putting some serious sky into Skype. There's a delivery from Earth, mostly groceries – Ocado basically, but better and (even) more expensive. There's even a space walk: Rick and Mike leave the ISS to make repairs. It really is just like Gravity, and with all the gear on you can't tell they're not Bullock and Clooney.

So where's the frustration, then? It's just that I had so many more questions. Like what about going to the loo? Is it a poo-in-a-bag system? A bit crude maybe, but that's what you want to know, isn't it? Isn't that what you're asking at home? (It is, after all, one of the main issues with camping.)

I can do cruder still. Do they have Skype sex with their wives back in Houston maybe? Six months is a long time. What about masturbation? And if so, presumably they have to be extra careful about spillages – you don't want any of that floating about the ISS, do you, or maybe getting out with the rubbish, floating frozen in space until it's discovered by something, or someone, then used, to start something, or someone, else … I'll save it for my sci-fi movie.

Where were we? Oh, yes, frustrations. Astronauts are obviously selected for their level-headedness, their problem-solving abilities and so on, not for their vivid imaginations, their excellent sense of humour, or their skill with (behind or in front of) a camera. I would have liked it to be less prosaic. I'm not talking just about bodily excretions: I also wanted to know more about how they felt being away from their planet, whether anything changed – perspectives, dreams, language even. I mean, do you still get up in the morning when there's no such thing as up? Is there even such a thing as morning?

Hell, it doesn't really matter. All that's what the movies are for. Sandra can have the interesting back story, and George can do the jokes. Mike, Rick and Koichi, meanwhile, can get on with doing a great job, not giving any secrets away, apart from that they miss their wives' cooking. It's still extraordinary – just look at the view. There's Dubai down there. And another time Patagonia – no, correction, it's the Alps. Generally it's the Pacific Ocean. 3D would have been nice.

There's more of it tonight, about all the support work. And then on Sunday we go live to the ISS, with Dermot O'Leary. Why is Dermot doing this, I wonder. Gravitas? Microgravitas? Unless, like that other time Channel 4 did space (Space Cadets, remember?), the whole thing turns out to be a hoax. And Dermot's going to burst through the hatch at the end. Ha ha ha, it's not really space, but Pinewood studios – where Gravity was filmed.