A few basics to make life a little more civilized.
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In my office I keep an old book named Manners for Moderns. It was published in 1938 and “it has to do with everyday people and their everyday doings,” which is why I like it. Some of the book’s advice still applies, but most sections are dated to the point of cuteness: “First and last dances are always with the girl you brought. So is the dance just before supper if that meal is served. No matter how much you like the girl…introduce her to some of the fellows you know.”
There you have it: At your next supper dance make sure your date twerks with your buddies, too.
Most manners books are dated and stuffy, and besides: I don’t know a lot of guys on the hunt for a good etiquette reference manual. But simple rules for “everyday people and their everyday doings” are important, even if we don’t call them “manners.” Here are ten things your average, everyday polite guy should do:
- Put your grocery cart away. Somebody needs it, and somebody else needs the parking space you left it in. Also, you could use that walk to the cart corral. I saw you sneaking extra Little Smokey samples.
- Use your turn signals. They aren’t for you, they’re for the rest of us. Guessing what I’m getting for Christmas is fun. Guessing what you’re doing at 70 mph? Not so much.
- Turn off your phone in the movie theater. That screen is really bright. I once sat behind a guy who brought a portable DVD player to the theater because he didn’t want to watch the same movie as the rest of his family, which brings us to –
- People before electronics. Don’t go somewhere with family or friends and spend the whole time staring at a little screen. Talk to your kid or your spouse (Note: Disregard this suggestion if your child or spouse is Rush Limbaugh). 4a. And put the phone away while you’re using the bathroom. That’s just gross.
- Open doors. One from the old school but it still applies, and I don’t just mean for women. Hold the door for anyone and everyone. It’s a small gesture but a tasteful one, and if someone opens your door —
- Say thank you. Another one from the golden era of politeness. A thank you takes less than a second, doesn’t cost a dime, and goes a long way toward perking up someone’s day. I say thanks to everyone except the guy writing me a speeding ticket.
- Be prepared at the security checkpoint. The new age of airport security isn’t new anymore. We all know what to do now, there’s no reason not to be ready by the time you get to the x-ray conveyor. Stick your belt and your pocket stuff in your carry-on, get your electronics ready, and at least untie your shoes. People are waiting. And don’t put yourself back together immediately on the other side of the scanners. Grab your stuff and —
- Get out of the way. Be at least moderately aware of your surroundings. There are lots of people in the world, and they’re all trying to get somewhere. Let other people use the sidewalk, too. Don’t park your cart sideways in aisle 8 and then stand in front of it while you comparison shop canned sloppy joe mix. That kind of thing.
- No Internet arguments. U R never going to change that troll’s mind with your mighty keyboard sword. Treat online conversations like in person conversations with a friend, or even better: Just don’t bite when the knucklehead in your social media circle throws out a baited line.
- Know what you want before you get to the counter. Whether you’re at the Golden Arches or the coffee joint, you have lots of time to figure out your order before you get to the cashier. That weird feeling on the back of your head? That’s the people behind you burning holes into you with their eyes while you try to construct the most complicated order possible.
There you go: Ten practical etiquette guidelines for this modern world. Manners aren’t about tipping top hats or how to properly set a table, but how to navigate your environment with the least resistance. Or something like that.
I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to cut this short and get to a supper dance. You don’t mind, do you? Thank you.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Also avoid being angry when some people don’t do 1-10.
MANY radio talk show hosts, conservative and otherwise, have promoted the demise of civility for decades by talking people down; it draws attention. It tends to get a laugh. Unkindnesses shock-therefore inspiring radio program directors to tell their personalities to get “edgier”, and by “edgy” they mean RUDE, even cruel and sometimes harmful (on one morning show grappling for ratings the morning team goaded a woman to drink too much water in a contest, which killed her). This was all rationalized by decrying “political correctness”. “I’m not going to be PC,” was, and still is, the brag and bluster of… Read more »
This isn’t a guide to being a good man. It’s a rant and list of pet peeves by someone who can’t even smile for the camera. Try patience, understanding and courage. Especially courage…to voice your concerns with the party in question instead of whining in an article that should be reserved for more enlightening prose.
Ha ha! You fell for # 9.
Why shouldn’t women do this too?
Imagine a discussion about Manners ; Politeness and “Mans Inhumanity to Man”; that dwells on who is more right; Rush Laumburgh? Rush Limbaugh!!?? uh, is this guy like making a difference in the world.
An Ontology of Human Beings reveals we have “opinions” on EVERYTHING.
Opinions are like weeds they are everywhere and most often where they are not needed.
NOTE : we are all together on this planet it takes little to be aware of each other.
Thank You for your kind listening.
David
4 is so right. The amount of families who sit around a restaurant table on their phones is ridiculous, like there is no conversation anymore
How to be polite? Ladies, with more men shopping for groceries, if they are like me I read signs and they are what they are. When a checkout line has a sign that says “20 items or less,” I take that to mean 20 items or less. Having had situations where I was behind women who obviously had more then the requested number of items, I decided to do something about it. As the cashier would run the items through, I would count loudly, 1,2,3, … When I would observe the count go beyond the 20 item mark, I would… Read more »
Not just women. Also, when no-one is in the 20 or less line they are told to encourage shoppers with more items to use the station. Perhaps a little more boring errand running will broaden your perspective.
When I shop at a grocery store, I find a cart carelessly left near where I park and take that one back to the store. Then when I wheel my cart back out to my car to unload it, I’ve already fulfilled the “return the cart” obligation.
All good “common sense” suggestions. Being disabled it chaps my hide to find shopping carts left in the handicap parking spot I cannot pull in and it is not easy for me to just jump out and move the cart so I can. Another bother is people who park in the fire lane “just to run in for a second”. If I as a disabled cannot park there and will get ticked there is no excuse for anyone else doing so. Loading and unloading not withstanding. One can tell the difference. Laziness is not a virtue. While I appreciate people… Read more »
There’s a quote I’ve seen once attributed to Einstein (I think) that goes something like this:
“Common sense, in reality, isn’t as common as we’d like to think it is.”
Please don’t pull into Handicapped Parking spaces to wait while another able-bodied person “runs into the store for something small” The car pulling in behind you may have someone with a disability in it which often causes us to have to park far away because there is no other HP parking space remaining.
About holding doors: I hold the door open for damn near everybody. Sometimes, I hold the door open for such a long stream of people that they even think I work at the establishment. Anyway, I held the door open for a girl (granted, we were both around 20 years old at the time, so keep that in mind) and she copped an attitude at me for it: “What do you think I am? A helpless girl? I can hold my OWN doors open, thank you! I don’t need a ‘big strong man’ to help me open a door!” I… Read more »
“Anyway, I held the door open for a girl (granted, we were both around 20 years old at the time, so keep that in mind) and she copped an attitude at me for it: ‘What do you think I am? A helpless girl? I can hold my OWN doors open, thank you! I don’t need a ‘big strong man’ to help me open a door!'” I could be wrong (and, of course it’s a very situational dynamic, with a lot of subjectivities from person to person) but I think a lot of the time that’s just a lot of passive… Read more »
You have the right to hold the door, and she has the right to refuse. Her reaction was her own internal issues bubbling to the surface. Let her think what she wants. Her outburst doesn’t mean that you did the wrong thing. Unfortunately, you can never know with exact certainty how someone will react to having a door held. You just can’t expect everyone to see it the same way you do.
(I wonder if she got angry at automatic doors as well?)
I had this happen to me in high school one time (10th grade)… a girl getting pissed about me holding the door open for her (she was holding about 5 books in her arms at the time). I responded with “OK, fine, excuse me for being polite. Let’s try this again. Get your rude ass back there and get the hell out of my way so I can slam the door closed for you and I can get to class on time.” I did, and I proceeded to watch her fumble and drop her books. I hope she learned her… Read more »
Remember, Limbaugh is an entertainer. He’s found a niche and he’s damn good at it. Personally, I can’t stand to listen to him, so what do I do? Rant about him? Nope. Switch channels. If you don’t like him, don’t listen to him. Oh, and he’s a millionaire and on the radio and I’m not. So there.
You seem unaware that once upon a time people went to dances to meet and become acquainted with other people, rather than to just dance with the date you brought.
What a wonderful batch of comments. Thank you all, especially for the great suggestions. Perhaps we need to do “Another Ten Things Polite People Should Do,” because as several have rightly pointed out good manners apply to both sexes.
So where does washing your hands after using the bathroom come in or that ever annoying using a paper towel to open the bathroom door and then leaving it on the handle or the no flushing because their too germaphobic to touch the handle or does that fall under cleanliness and not politeness.
For number seven…lot’s of people still don’t know what to do. If you have a chance help them out. And if you don’t grab your stuff and move, at least stack those bins somewhere out of the way when you’re done.
And for God’s sake, reply with You’re Welcome when someone says thank you. The reply of “No Problem” drives me up the wall.
I personally like to find something to thank them for in response. Gratitude is a two way street, and “you’re welcome” just seems so narcissistic and self-satisfied sometimes.
Don’t know if this makes a difference to you, but “no problem” or “nothing to it” is a pretty common polite response in a lot of languages, from French to Mandarin. I tend to think this is one of those “pick your battles” kinds of things. “No problem” is much better than most of the alternatives.
Now this is weird. I dont consider myself as a polite guy. I’m shy and kind of socially awkward so I guess I’m rude to any strangers. But those 10 things are like routine to me. I always do it. I guess I just see it as a normal thing to do.
Some of us like Rush Limbaugh and kinda consider it insulting and dismissive to jab at him with such flippant disregard. Yea it was a throw away harmless dig, but I lost all respect for your position and your article.
Bearing in mind #9, I still must ask: Is it wise to disregard a bucket of good advice because there is one unrelated sentence with which you disagree? It feels a little “throwing out the baby with the bathwater”-ish.
Then maybe #9 should be if you don’t want an Internet argument then don’t start one by insulting people. But to address some others. Blinkers are a law not really a politeness but whenever I turn mine on it seems to be a signal to cut me off. And the reason many people turn to their electronics is that they get ignored and dismissed by social groups. If you want people to turn off their cell in a movie than don’t spend 20 mins trying to sell me something or hocking some other movie you think I will like because… Read more »
There’s always one in every crowd… Lol
Sometimes two.
Sounds like someone’s got a lot to learn from this article. Limbaugh apologist, indeed.
I like Bjork. I like Bjork a lot. I love her music; her voice; her attitude; her wardrobe; her opinions; everything. Nonetheless, I do not get upset when someone says something insulting about Bjork.
The remark was petty and cheap. It showed more about the lack of character and civility of the author than revealing anything about Rush Limbaugh. The entire point of the article was about character and civility and politeness, how people should act in public toward their fellow man. The Good Men Project, 10 Things Every Polite Guy Should Do. Everyone knows they should be doing the things listed but what prevents them, civility and character. Taking cheap shots at another man lacks character and to defend this poor behavior is just smarmy and elitist.
And you’re more bent out of shape that someone took a swipe at Limbaugh than your admitted failings in the social niceties department. You’re using a slight against a celebrity you like to justify bad behavior. As I said, someone needs this article more than they think.
I am using the opportunity to express my opinion that if one is annoyed by bad behavior, rudeness and lack of politeness as a common courtesy that they should look at their own behavior first. As several have stated more eloquently than myself its a two way street. I guess you could go through life returning kindness for rudeness but it gets old rather quickly. I am sure that commenters to this article are just more gracious and kind to rude boorish oafs but well I am a Limbaugh fan and that alone should excuse me.
“I am using the opportunity to express my opinion that if one is annoyed by bad behavior, rudeness and lack of politeness as a common courtesy that they should look at their own behavior first.”
And we are all tickled that you seem unable to apply your advice to your own actions.
Allow me to offer a simpler analogy:
Mr. William Hurst (Pot), meet Mr. James Stafford (Kettle).
Do you see the futility in furthering this thread of discussion yet?
Point made. Some people are just assholes. Thanks for making my point again.
Sadly, Mark A., the pot/kettle analogy is probably more appropriately applied to Rush Limbaugh and me in this context. Mr. Limbaugh makes his living insulting total strangers for the amusement of his audience, and here I insulted him with the same intention. It was a throwaway line intended to bring some levity to an otherwise potentially preachy piece. I did not expect anyone to actually believe that I was encouraging Rush Limbaugh’s family to ostracize him, but that’s the nature of the law of unintended consequences. What’s that, you say? You’d like to read more about unintended consequences? Well, if… Read more »
All of this defensive drivel about Rush Limbaugh perfectly illustrates why articles like this are essential and/or doomed. It proves that some Americans would do anything, including rave and drool about poor helpless Rush instead of paying attention to the situation at hand, which is the dearth of manners. William, you need to grow up a bit. Rush Limbaugh isn’t crying himself to sleep at night because people take “insulting” or “flippant” “jabs” at him. He intends to provoke—that’s why he does what he does. If you truly believe “cheap shots” at Rush Limbaugh show a lack of politeness on… Read more »
I happen to hate Limbaugh with a passion, and even _I_ thought it was a cheap shot to put him in #4. Hell, for all I know, Mr. Limbaugh uses his turn signals, puts his grocery cart away, and orders promptly when he’s out for dinner.
And I have some compassion for the man. Perhaps if he had been treated much better when he was younger he would not be so disagreeable to so many people. Telling people to be rude to him is hardly going to make a gentler person.
William Hurst says: “…if you don’t want an Internet argument then don’t start one by insulting people.”
that comment reminds me of a child’s response to mommy’s question, “Why did you hit him?”
child: “because he hit me back first!!!”
“ (Note: Disregard this suggestion if your child or spouse is Rush Limbaugh).” I’ve learned through the years that GMP is a very liberal site, accordingly I expect comments like this. “Rush Limbaugh’s show has been the number one commercial talk show since at least 1991 when record keeping began” …. guess a lot of people wouldn’t agree with the “Note.”
“Rush Limbaugh’s show has been the number one commercial talk show since at least 1991 when record keeping began” ….
If quantity is the criterion, then MacDonald’s must be the best food in the world.
I can’t stand Limbaugh, but I agree that it was a cheap shot.
I’d argue but #9 says not to 😉
Dang! It’s hard to be polite sometimes… 😉
I totally agree, just two extensions: 1) This should be the list for the women too. It’s what a polite person, not only guy, should do. 2) I would add one point: Don’t let your children and your animals burden other people too much. If your child is having a rage attack at the mall (happens to every parent from time to time), take it out and to the side and at least show the other people that you are trying to hash it. Don’t let your dog run over your neighbor’s front yard and destroy all his/her plants. Pick… Read more »
As a pedestrian, I certainly can appreciate Rule #2 (“Use your turn signals.”) Countless times I’ve been waiting to cross a street when the car I saw approaching unexpectedly turns away. Had I known that car was going to turn when I first saw it a block away I could have continued on with my own journey, instead of waiting for something that was never coming to pass.
This is a very relevant article, and I applaud Mr. Stafford for pointing out a few simple things that people can do in this world to demonstrate their care for their fellow humans. Not everyone can save a whale or perfect clean energy, but just about anyone can turn off a phone in a theater or hold a door for someone else. The article states: “Manners aren’t about tipping top hats or how to properly set a table, but how to navigate your environment with the least resistance. Or something like that.” Something like that indeed. My mother told me… Read more »