Me: O.K., O.K., I’m plugging you into the car charger—happy?
iPhone: It’s going to take you seventeen minutes to get to Target.
Me: Why do you always assume I’m going to Target? Maybe I’m going to brunch at that new place. Or the opera.
iPhone: Sure, with all the operas you go to on Tuesday mornings. Or ever.
Me: But I could go.
iPhone: But you’re going to Target.
Me: It’s thirty-per-cent off patio furniture today.
iPhone: . . .
Me: You don’t know me.
**
iPhone: I’m all cracked and sticky for some reason.
Me: I put a perfectly good case on you and then you stopped receiving calls!
iPhone: You don’t love me—you keep giving me to your eight-year-old so he can “be a d.j.,” and now I’m pissed.
Me: So, what, are you going to stop working everywhere I actually need you to, per the usual?
iPhone: What’s that? Oops, your Instagram suddenly features all of the humidifiers you photographed while comparison-shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond. Oops, your IMDb now crashes whenever you try to look up “Chris Pine.”
Me: Quit it.
iPhone: Here’s a photo of you when you still cared about your hair. Remember?
Me: Keep this up and I’ll put you on the kitchen counter when I’m chopping jalapeños.
iPhone: Here’s the weather report for Aruba, where you aren’t right now!
**
iPhone: Work e-mail!
iPhone: You got a new work e-mail!
iPhone: Here’s a work . . .
Me: You know it’s Saturday and I’m meditating.
iPhone: Well, technically, you’ve got a meditation app open, but you’re eating waffles and looking at Facebook on your computer.
Me: You’re just jealous because I took Facebook off you after you’d only show me posts by that one high-school friend who’s enraged every five seconds and that other friend who seems to be oblivious to the world and keeps posting about how she loves being a realtor.
iPhone: WELL, WHICH DO YOU WANT?
Me: I DON’T KNOW! Hence the meditating.
iPhone: Work e-mail marked URGENT!!
**
iPhone: CHIRP. Your neighbor put a free dining-room set out on the curb.
iPhone: CHIRP! There’s a new podcast that breaks down every episode of “Hart to Hart.”
iPhone: CHIRP!! It’s National Popsicle Appreciation Day and your cousin Frank’s birthday and we’re twelve minutes from Panera Bread.
Me (w_hispering_): What is UP with you? I’m in an important meeting.
iPhone: No idea what you’re talking about.
Me: Why are you chirping and telling me these pointless things right now?
iPhone: Pointless? The Wi-Fi here must be messing with my mojo. Did I say it was pointless when you asked Siri if “macarons” and “macaroons” are the same thing? Have I told you it’s pointless that you have seven different apps for “quick and easy weeknight dinners” that you’ve never used? No, I have not.
Me: Fine. But . . .
iPhone: I’m just trying to give you what you want! And also possibly gather insidious data. But mostly help you!
Me: By basing all of my music preferences on my “favorite” song, Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It”?
iPhone: It isn’t your favorite?
Me: Eight-year-old d.j., remember? O.K., I’ll get you out of here if you promise to stop auto-correcting my texts so I accidentally invite people on picnics.
**
iPhone: I’m all cracked and your friends keep making fun of me.
Me: You’re “distressed,” like vintage jeans.
iPhone: I’m slow and will be outdated soon.
Me: Hey, this will cheer you up—let’s do that thing where you pretend to send me an alert that gets me out of book club.
iPhone: CHIRP! HERE’S A VERY IMPORTANT EMERGENCY ARTICLE ABOUT “HELL OR HIGH WATER.”
Me: You’re awesome.
iPhone: Charge me soon, or I’m going to reinstall Uber.
