Background
"Cooties" refers to a highly infectious disease. The word "cootie" derives from the Tagalog word "kutu," or "parasitic biting insect." The related word "kudis" translates to "playground death."
Contraction
The spread of cooties is caused by physical contact between males and females of the human species. The infected party first becomes aware of contraction when the infecting party tells him or her, "Now you have girl cooties!" or "Now you have boy cooties!" causing synthesis in the cytoplasm, after which the viral DNA migrates to the nucleus. Upon discovery of the illness, it is common for the diseased to scream and run away. Limited research has been conducted on same-sex passing of cooties, and advocacy groups are calling for more studies in this area.
Athletic fields, Chuck E. Cheeses, and assembly halls, as well as other areas where men and women congregate in large groups, are generally the sites of contraction. Risk of cootie infection remains high in the United States. 1,155,792 cases of cooties were reported globally in 2015; it is estimated that in the U.S. alone there are five hundred thousand unreported cases annually. Fortunately, these numbers represent a steep decrease from the epidemic scale of infection prior to the development of the cootie vaccine, which has drastically reduced outbreaks.
Immunization: History and Application
In 1946, prominent Austrian cootie researcher Earnest Von Reälname famously developed the cootie immunization, vastly improving public welfare. Administration of the vaccine involves drawing one circle, then another, then prodding the patient twice with an extended index finger, while stating, "Circle circle, dot dot, now you have the cootie shot."
Since the initial cootie shot immunizes only the vicinity of the injection area, and its effectiveness weakens over time, boosters are recommended. During the first booster procedure, the administrator draws two circles followed by two squares and states, "Circle circle, square square, now you have it everywhere." During the second booster procedure, the administrator draws two circles, then gently strikes the patient twice with the side of a hand in a "karate chop" position, and states, "Circle circle, knife knife, now you have it all your life."
The cootie shot is easily administered and is available at most local playgrounds. If you are a medical practitioner, it is suggested that you do not attempt to perform the vaccination on yourself, as some studies show self-immunization to be ineffective.
Treatment
Some regions treat cooties via use of cootie catchers, made of folded paper. These double as fortune-telling devices by which the user may find out where they will live one day, whom they will marry, and what they will be when they grow up. In the treatment of cooties, an administrator inserts fingers into each corner of the four-cornered device, forming pincers with which to repeatedly claw at the infected party.
Prevention
Some studies have shown that writing "C.P." (for "cootie protection") on hands, or occasionally sneakers, can boost immunity to cooties. In many play areas, female and male populations will draw chalk dividing lines to separate the genders thereby limiting exposure. Complete avoidance of the opposite sex is the only certain way to prevent cooties.
