Get a group of women together—over dinner, drinks, or direct message—and #MeToo eventually comes up. But broach the movement with the men in your life? We’re betting you’ll hear crickets. It’s understandable—we're in a brave new era without a rule book. It’s hard for men to know exactly what to say. (In fact, when Glamour tried to assign a male reporter to interview real men on their attitudes, he came back from the bars empty handed. "I’ve frankly never had such a dead end with a reported piece," he told us. No one, he said, was willing to say "anything worthwhile on the record.")
But for change to happen, we have to start talking. So we partnered with our brother mag GQ to begin having these difficult conversations. We created a survey and sourced answers from more than 1,000 men between the ages of 18 and 55 from all across the country. The responses were anonymous. And the results were…complicated. Some respondents were skeptical: "[This movement] will stigmatize men and lead to further distrust of women." Others were hopeful: "High-powered creeps are already out of jobs. I have no idea how that cannot help." But all were honest. As one admitted, "I work in a kitchen. We are all miscreants. Everything said on the line is probably considered sexual harassment by someone who doesn’t work in the industry."
We tore through the data to find some of the most illuminating insights into how men think. And then we got busy parsing out its many implications. While at times frightening and infuriating, there are also moments of clarity that show how the social reckoning is affecting change. What follows is as close to a blueprint as we have on the male brain as it pertains to Me Too.
Want to see more on our survey results from the GQ point of view? Read their analysis here.
Men's Real Thoughts on #MeToo May Surprise You (Hint: Nearly One in Two Hasn't Heard of It)
Let this sink in for a second: A whopping 41 percent of men told us they've never heard of the #MeToo movement. Those who were unaware were generally younger, Southern, married, and more likely to report an annual income of $100,000 or more. Oh, and having a college degree doesn't make a man any more likely to be in the know than his less-educated peers. Across the board, when it comes to the topic of accusations of sexual misconduct, men are very unlikely to share their opinions with the women in their life.
We asked men to describe in their own words: How have the men you know reacted to the #MeToo movement? What words or phrases do you hear used the most? They answered:
Some were hopeful: "For the most part, the men I've talked to have said that a lot of 'powerful people' need to be outed for their heinous actions, because this stuff has gone on way too long and has been met with too much silence and cowering."
Some were torn: "Most men I talk with have been extremely supportive. Others have expressed fears of a mob mentality, especially when the pitchforks go up immediately without due process. But many have mentioned Donald Trump as the cover boy for sexual harassment. Men are disturbed [by the fact that he] is suffering no consequences for grabbing women 'by the pussy.'"
Some were anxious: "Most men are unsure of how to handle speaking to women on a normal basis. Now they are even more unsettled and confused about how to approach a woman, handle a conversation, or give a compliment. Some have said that the movement may not have a true, lasting effect."
Some cited generational divides: "Younger men acknowledge the problem, but older men tend to dismiss it as overblown."
Some were angry: "The men are afraid that if they even look [at a woman] the wrong way, they might get sued or fired. They are saying that men are getting pushed out of the flirting game. And that most women these days are turning to each other for sex."
Read More: What Is Sexual Harassment? A Glossary of the #MeToo Movement
Men Tend to Think Women Who Come Forward Are Treated Fairly
The topic of women who have come forward with allegations of assault and misconduct were equally divided. GQ's Benjy Hansen-Bunden sums up the on-the-ground sentiment like this: "I think the lesson a lot of guys learned very quickly during all the Me Too revelations, myself included, was that this moment called for men to basically shut up and listen for a while. Now it feels like we’re in a new phase—it’s time to start the conversation about how we fix the big structural problems. I mean, a guy who groped women still got elected president. So everyone has to participate. But I think guys are still a little wary. One guy wrote, 'The movement doesn’t come across as inclusive to men.' To be honest, I feel some of that trepidation too." And despite studies that show speaking up about sexual harassment often comes with repercussions, the majority of men think accusers get the benefit of the doubt.
We asked men for their honest thoughts on the topic of women who come forward:
Some were skeptical: "A lot of women wait years, sometimes 10 or more, to come forward. It’s usually to get money or to hurt an ex. If it really happened, they would have gone to the police right away," said one. "If something happens to someone, and you feel like you have to wait or hide it before bringing it to light, you shouldn’t bring it up at all," offered another. While many brought up the topic of due process: "It depends. Is she being truthful? Was there a proper investigation? I hope that all people, in general, are taken seriously when making an allegation like this."
Some were fed up: "Most of the time men are treated unfairly. Equality is a lie when it comes to men's rights," said one. "[Women] are believed once they make the accusation. They don’t have to prove anything," offered another.
Some felt coming forward is a lose-lose scenario: "I have witnessed how black-and-white things become when a woman makes such an accusation. I have seen a good man convicted and condemned for a female speaking up with a false accusation. The man had no chance. He lost his job and freedom. His reputation was permanently and irreparably damaged. His family was torn apart. I have also seen it work the other way around too. Either way, the woman comes out the other end a victim and a champion, but as a tramp and a hussy too. [At least] from the offender and their associates' point of view."
Some sided with accusers: "Considering [there are] women who've been [issued] death threats…for coming forward, I don’t think they are treated fairly. In fact, I don’t think any victims are treated fairly—women, men, or other identifiers. All are dismissed and looked down upon after coming forward," said one. "Depending on the culture of the business where the harassment takes place, a brotherhood can exist. Or the idea that 'boys will be boys.' I have personally seen women come forward [about] sexual harassment, only to be shot down by the 'big boss' due to the fact that the aggressor was an important cog in his business. I’m sure this happens often," offered another.
Read More: What to Do When Someone You Know Has Been Accused of Sexual Harassment
Male Perceptions on Consent Are Perhaps the Most Confounding
Overall, men’s attitudes toward consent made us feel hopeful: A full 77 percent of men said it's a must to get consent at every stage of a sexual encounter. But go deeper into our findings, especially about married or dating couples, and the data is a bit more...patriarchal. In fact, 59 percent of men agreed that husbands were "entitled to" sex with their wives (46 percent agreed that boyfriends were "entitled to" sex with their girlfriends). And in terms of communicating consent, men aren't waiting for clear, verbal cues: 35 percent told us that when it comes to gauging whether a sexual partner is enjoying a sexual encounter, "I don't need to do much; it's usually obvious." And to convey their own interest, 60 percent of men say they rely on physical cues—such as looking at a partner, moaning, or pulling a partner closer. Glamour's Justine Harman and GQ's Benji Hansen-Bundy discussed the findings.
GQ: Well, at the very least this one data point—that 77 percent of men said it's a must to get consent at every stage of a sexual encounter—shows that most men are not horrible monsters.
GLAMOUR: But I feel like if I were at a sports bar or a frat, the way I would be treated by men would be different than what our findings suggest. Especially since 50 percent of guys ages 18 to 34 agreed with this statement: “If your partner is willing to kiss you, she must be willing to do other sexual acts.” That means Aziz Ansari–type scenarios, where the man and the woman are having very different experiences during the same sexual encounter, will continue.
GQ: I wish I could say I thought we’d see an immediate reduction in those Aziz-type situations, but I think it’s going to take time. These stats probably speak to the broader fucked-up-ness of our sex education in this country. I’d also say that the discussion seems to be missing a broader examination of human sexuality so far. For example, when we asked, “How do you define the boundary between unwanted but harmless advances and harassment?” there was this pervading sense of defeat in the answers. One guy said, “I feel that there is no line anymore, so you better just keep to yourself.” For as long as Western literature has covered courtship, it’s almost always the man in pursuit of the woman, with varying degrees of doggedness.
Read More: #MeToo Forced Me to Reevaluate Own Sexual History—and I've Taken Advantage of Women
GLAMOUR: When one guy said, “The principle that I employ is that everyone gets one free pass. When you put your interest out, regardless of how overt or covert the advance was, that is all that you are entitled to,” I had to pause. Back when I was single, I would always turn down the first inquiry—a guy had to try at least twice to prove he was actually interested. It was all part of the game.
GQ: That’s what I mean. It can feel like there’s some cognitive dissonance between what is by-the-books acceptable and what actually works between two people. It made me nervous to say that out loud. We’re definitely opening a can of worms.
GLAMOUR: I’m sweating.
Read More: Your Best Consent Ever: How You Both Can Get the Sex You Want
Men Are Scared…Which May Be a Good Thing
In some ways, this movement is (shockingly) having little-to-no effect: The majority of men we surveyed in very top jobs still hadn’t heard of Me Too. And yet some men feel fearful in general. About one third of men ages 18 to 55 say they're personally worried about being wrongly accused of sexual harassment at work. (Those with self-reported incomes over $100K were significantly more likely to be worried.) This fear could be actually be a good thing: "It's part of a course correction," says Hansen-Bundy. "The data also shows that younger men are more likely to say Me Too will improve workplace equality, which I think shows that the movement may be educating guys on a broader cultural level."
Read More: What to Do When You've Been Sexually Harassed At Work
Justine Harman is the features director of Glamour; Benjy Hansen-Bundy is a senior associate editor at GQ.
