Reading the rumors about how badly the Solo shoot supposedly went has hit me with a high dose of schadenfreude.
I seriously doubt the majority of the rumors have much weight to them (except the one about switching directors halfway through the shoot - that one’s probably true). But to be honest, I’m kind of hoping they're all true.
Frankly, I want this movie to fail. I want Solo to bomb spectacularly at the box office, mercilessly mauled by critics. I want an army of enraged Star Wars fans out in force, furiously Tweeting with their finger firmly on the caps lock button, launching wave upon wave of angry reaction gifs.
I want those sexually frustrated guys who edited all the women out of The Last Jedi to recut Solo, without Han Solo. I want Disney to be reeling from an eye-wateringly intense backlash, and be forced to kill off young Han Solo, creating an epic, all-consuming plot hole that can only be rectified by removing Solo from official canon altogether.
I’m aware that we have literally no idea if the film is any good or not. There are no trailers, no teasers, not even a poster; the fans are getting so desperate they’re making their own. But it doesn’t matter how good the film is, frankly, because I hate the idea. Solo is Hollywood at its most cynical, squeezing every last drop of blood from an iconic character until he’s nothing but a faded husk, played by Alden Ehrenreich.
Not that I have anything against Ehrenreich, you understand. I enjoyed him in Hail, Caesar!, and I doubt those stories about an on-set dialogue coach are true; I trust the acting ability of every man, woman, and child who has ever collaborated with the Coen brothers. Although, they did cast him in the part of a terrible actor who couldn’t remember his lines. Hmm.
But here’s the thing - Han Solo isn’t about the character, or the vest, or the attitude. He’s a dashing rogue, a scoundrel with a twinkle in his eye, but so what? Characters like him are cheap and plentiful. It was the formidable charisma of Harrison Ford that turned him into a pop culture juggernaut. Recasting him is akin to recasting Indiana Jones - it’s a cinematic cardinal sin. That’s why Spielberg is bringing back the aging actor for another crack of the bullwhip, despite the fact he’s long past his Nazi-punching prime.
Harrison Ford is Han Solo. Hell, Ford even ad-libbed the famous “I know,” to Leia’s “I love you,” which indicates he understands the character even better than George Lucas. Ford gave us one last adventure, the fun-filled nostalgia trip of The Force Awakens, before bowing out, ending the character’s story the way he’d always intended. Going backward to tack on some new, Ford-less story about how the character “became” Han Solo, feels almost like some kind of narrative vandalism.
And really, does anyone care about how Han first met Chewbacca? Or Lando Calrissian? Or how he had his heart broken by Daenerys Targaryen before he met Leia, or how he starting wearing vests, or whatever?
This film feels destined to be stuffed with fan service; an early encounter with Greedo, perhaps, in which Han shoots first. A debt left unpaid to Jabba the Hutt, surely. Or maybe a hint at Lando’s eventual betrayal.
Speaking of Lando, I have a feeling that Donald Glover is going to be the best part of this film, and perhaps his character might have made for a better spin-off, if any have to be made at all. For while Lando is fairly popular, he hasn’t penetrated public consciousness to the extent Han has - not even close. If Disney is keen to tell origin stories and expand the universe, perhaps they should look to the lesser characters, those with stories left to tell.
Really, I only want this film to tank so that Disney is frightened, discouraged from telling unnecessary origin stories of iconic characters forever. That’s why I’m still excited about Rian Johnson's original trilogy, despite my tepid reaction to The Last Jedi. The Star Wars universe is in dire need of fresh material - replaying hits from the seventies is not a sustainable business model.
Star Wars fans are a particularly loyal bunch, however, despite their loud and frequent complaining. Any film with that logo attached is certain to find an audience.
But Disney should be wary about watering down the potent, powerful Star Wars brand with cheap spin-offs. We can taste the difference between Star Wars and Star Wars Lite, and eventually, people are going to wonder what all the fuss was all about in the first place.
