Okay, so someone has gotten ahold of some compromising photos of you, and is attempting to blackmail you. What do you do?
Letâs take some pointers from the richest man in the world. Jeff Bezosâs recent evisceration of his enemiesâin a Medium post, no lessâclocked in at fewer than 1,500 words (not counting the emails he pasted at the bottom, with the sendersâ email addresses and phone numbers still included). Follow his lead, and you will come across as both savage and sympathetic.
Embrace the poetry
If pictures of your penis are at the center of the confrontation and the person threatening you is David Pecker, donât shy away. (Even if your blue-chip private security consultant is de Becker and it rhymes.)
Put that Pecker right in the headline. Put a âMr.â in front of it to emphasize the indignity: âNo thank you, Mr. Pecker.â
Haha, whoâs a dick now?
Remember you are a billionaire
You have better things to do than engage with this!
âI asked [de Becker] to prioritize protecting my time since I have other things I prefer to work on and to proceed with whatever budget he needed to pursue the facts in this matter.â
Thatâs all.
Make up words
If the English language isnât complex enough to provide the word you need to describe how your ownership of a national media outlet complicates your dealings with other powerful people, make one up: âMy ownership of the Washington Post is a complexifier for me.â
People will know what you mean, and even appreciate that you didnât permit a tedious copyeditor to question you, though you clearly employ some.
Make fun of their words with âscare quotesâ and repetition
âSeveral days ago, an AMI leader advised us that Mr. Pecker is âapoplecticâ about our investigationâ of his companyâs relationship with the Saudi government, wrote Bezos.
Apoplectic is a strong word, and honestly makes this person sound kind of hysterical and unhinged. If someone says theyâre apoplectic, turn it around and say it again, like itâs a medical condition:
âA few days after hearing about Mr. Peckerâs apoplexy, we were approached, verbally at first, with an offer. â
Also, if they refer to a âbelow the belt selfieâââotherwise colloquially known as a âd*ck pickâââgo ahead and print that too. What nerds!
Just the facts: Iâm Jeff Bezos, and youâre not
If someone attempts to question your business acumen, school them:
âI founded Amazon in my garage 24 years ago, and drove all the packages to the post office myself. Today, Amazon employs more than 600,000 people, just finished its most profitable year ever, even while investing heavily in new initiatives, and itâs usually somewhere between the #1 and #5 most valuable company in the world.â
But act relatable
If your would-be blackmailer sends you a pretty lustily descriptive list of the photos theyâre threatening to publish, go ahead and include that list. But as soon as you do, add a line thatâs like, Whoa!: âWell, that got my attention.â
Then, turn this ship aroundâfastâaway from âeither tight black cargo pants or shortsââ and plunging red necklines, toward some principles, for Peteâs sake.
Why are you doing this? one sentence
Just lay it out simply:
âIf in my position I canât stand up to this kind of extortion, how many people can?â
In other words, anyone who makes it about your below-the-belt-selfies is entirely missing the point.