You won't always see eye-to-eye with everyone, especially when you're angry, but you can avoid being argumentative and making conversations more intense.
Matt Abrahams is a lecturer of strategic communication at Stanford University's Graduate School of Business and author of ″Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You're Put on the Spot.″
To avoid appearing argumentative in a discussion, Abrahams says, you must first be aware of the signs.
"There's lots of signs of argumentativeness," including cues, like leaning in or speaking with a certain tone, he says. But one of the main indications that you're being argumentative is the use of accusatory language, says Abrahams.
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Here are a few phrases that you should avoid to prevent starting a heated argument.
Avoid these 4 phrases to prevent an argument
"Anything that's very definitive or direct can come off as argumentative," Abrahams says. "Those are things that really imply somebody is entering into a conflict."
Some phrases that you should avoid during disagreements are:
- "You always..."
- "I can't believe..."
- "This is because you..."
- "You're not listening to me..." or "You never listen..."
'Paraphrase and connect'
Instead of using argumentative language, focus on "paraphrasing and connecting," Abrahams suggests. "If I can demonstrate that I've heard what you're saying, and I'm adding to it or expanding it, I think that's really important," he says.
For example, if you're having a conversation about politics, acknowledge that you hear the other person's point of view even if you don't agree with it, then assert your own point in a respectful manner, Abrahams says. This will at least indicate to the other person that you're listening to them, he adds, which is very important.
At work and in our personal lives, "we need to expect that there will be times when we are in conflict, when we have to assert our point of view in a sensitive way," he notes.
It's best to expect disagreements, remind yourself that other people's opinions aren't wrong or don't indicate that they have something against you and appreciate differences of opinion, Abrahams says.
Aim to use phrases like:
- "I really hear you..."
- "I'm trying to understand..."
- "I can imagine from your perspective this is..."
And if you anticipate a disagreement or difficult conversation, plan ahead, he says, and approach them with three things in mind:
- It's about the issue, not the people. Focus on the topic, not the person.
- Be present-oriented. Try not to bring up past arguments or jump ahead to potential outcomes in the future.
- See it as a problem to be solved, not a battle to be won.
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