BETA
This is a BETA experience. You may opt-out by clicking here

More From Forbes

Edit Story

How To Have Conversations That Change The World: With Family And Friends

This article is more than 3 years old.

The conversations each of us chooses to have can change the world. Or destroy it.

Every word we put out into this world, each question we choose not to ask, each conversation we choose not to have, or to have, but carelessly - each of these aggregates into a lifetime’s worth of impact. 

The first part is the conversations you have with yourself, 24 hours a day (here: How To Have Conversations That Change The World: Start With Yourself). 

The second part is the conversations you have with your family, friends, and colleagues. This is what we’re going to talk about in this article (keep reading!).

The third part is the conversations you have with humanity writ large. This will be the finale of this series (coming soon).

To have conversations that change the world with your friends and family (eg on the toughest and most divisive topics like politics, religion, racism), you first need to build incredible amounts of trust. The thing I heard most after the 2016 election was that EVERYONE had someone they knew who voted for the other side. And if we can’t even get to a place of understanding with those we love, in what world do we think it’s possible to convince strangers?

So, perhaps counter-intuitively, getting to world-changing conversations with the people you love starts with building trust and healing deep-rooted pains. You don’t get to skip ahead of this step, otherwise you’re just wasting words. And without addressing these deep-rooted pains, your conversations with the world (part 3) will ring hollow, the same as in if you didn’t do the work to have the hard conversations with yourself.

When I was in my late teens, my relationships with my family were broken. I didn’t speak for years with different members of my family.

Then there came a turning point in my mid-20s. I had been practicing the art of deep conversation for half a decade. It started when I was 19 and sought out the ability to have a Deep Conversation with Anyone. After a few years of practice, this became like breathing. At this point, the ability to bring anyone I met into a Deep Conversation was not always for the greater good - I wasn’t sure yet how to use this power for good, it was more because I craved Depth in Life. 

When I was 25, I started wondering how I could use this newly developed superpower for good. My first focus was to intentionally repair my broken family relationships. I can point to the exact Conversations, my intention behind these Conversations, that led to flourishing, loving relationships which were previously non-existent. And then there were my most cherished memories, my Deep Conversations with my grandparents, in which I asked all my existential questions of them before they passed. These are the moments that matter most. 

So where to start? The people closest to you also inflict the most scars and traumas on you (and you on them). These healing conversations are absolutely critical for healing your own childhood pains and traumas. If you’re interested in deep diving healing childhood trauma, I’d recommend reading:

  1. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
  2. The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
  3. The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Dr. Bruce Perry

I’ve found there are 3 important mental shifts are required to prepare for transformative conversations with your loved ones:

  1. You are no longer the passenger. There is no, “but she’s my mom and so she should be the bigger person.” You are always the driver. You set the intention, the questions, design the experience, and deliver the outcome of the conversation. 
  2. Understand everything about your loved one’s personal history. We are exactly the outcome of all of our inputs. So if your parents grew up in the 1960’s, their inputs were entirely different from yours today. Ask yourself, “Would I really be any different, behave any differently, IF I had lived through what my loved one lived through?”
  3. “Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality.” ― Bruce Lee. Create space and suspend judgment so that you can really listen deeply, and seek to understand who your loved one is today, not who they were in the past. Create the space for people to show you how they’ve changed.

Ready for some transformative conversations with loved ones? Here are some questions to get contemplate and shape your intentions around the conversations you’re seeking to have:

  1. What conversations do you want to stop having with your loved ones?
  2. What conversations do you wish you could have with your loved ones?
  3. What wounds are you carrying that have shaped who you are today? What wounds have you not let go of?
  4. Who do you wish you had a better relationship with?
  5. Which relationships do you feel like you’ve neglected and let fall by the wayside?
  6. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, who would you call, and what would say?

The hard work is next. I’m here, reach out if you’d like any guidance on how to start / guide the healing conversations that change your world, the world of those you love, and create the foundations for the conversations that create a new future for humanity.

Follow me on LinkedIn