Setting healthy boundaries is always paramount to our well-being. Without them, it’s alarmingly easy to get lost in others’ needs, to lose sight of where their feelings end and yours begin — especially where the family’s concerned.
“Boundaries are important, as they teach others how to treat us,” says Souzan Swift, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with the telemedicine platform Heal. “If we’re constantly crossing those boundaries or allowing our family members to cross them, we’re not taking care of ourselves; rather, we’re prioritizing their needs over our own.”
As a result, you might feel like you’re constantly at the mercy of others — like your life isn’t yours anymore. The ongoing feelings of disempowerment, anxiety, and depression that follow can lead to chronic activation of the body’s stress response (fight or flight), which can cause your overall health to deteriorate over time.
What healthy familial boundaries look and feel like
If you grew up in a household where boundaries were problematic or nonexistent (siblings taking your stuff without permission, parents guilting you into making certain life decisions), attempting to set them now, without a clue as to what healthy boundaries look or feel like, can be anxiety inducing.
“When starting from scratch, it can be confusing to both dismantle old, unhealthy, boundaryless patterns while also learning the skills to utilize healthy new boundaries,” says Carla Marie Manly, a California-based clinical psychologist and the author of Joy From Fear.
You might fear making your family angry or being abandoned by them. “Those who resist healthy boundary-setting often resent being asked to engage in healthy new ways,” says Manly. “Consciously and unconsciously, they prefer the unhealthy patterns that allowed them to be in control.”
Healthy boundaries are strong yet flexible. “In families, they tend to follow a natural, trusting flow that allows them to shift — with mutual agreement — as situations change,” says Manly. They’re about having respect for one another’s differences and needs, and allowing one another to feel, think, and act independently without criticism, persuasion, or guilt.
“Boundaries mean having rights — the right to say no, the right to be yourself, the right to express your emotions and have differing opinions within the family yet still being able to love and care for each other,” says Swift.
How to set healthy boundaries with your family and make them stick
There’s a gut instinct that kicks in when your boundaries are being infringed upon — anything from a feeling that something’s off or not quite right to a full-on anxiety attack. But when it’s a family member doing it, it’s easy to make excuses for them.
“You might find yourself justifying or defending their actions,” says Swift. For example, when your sister calls all the time to vent about the problems in her relationship and never takes the time to find out how you’re doing, you might say to yourself, “This is just how she is when she’s super-stressed.”
Here’s how experts recommend listening to your gut and putting your own needs on the front burner again.
Determine how your familial relationships make you feel
Take note of each of your relatives with boundary issues and the types of boundary issues they have. Is one a bulldozer who incessantly pressures you to live your life a certain way? Is another a problem-dumper who leaves you to clean up their messes? The greater your awareness about each individual, the easier it will be to devise the specific boundaries necessary to improve your dynamic.
“To set boundaries, you must first know your boundaries,” says Manly, who recommends allowing yourself to examine how different boundary invasions make you feel, without judgment. From uncomfortable, hurt, angry, anxious, and unseen to disrespected, sad, and threatened, “our physical and psychological selves are deeply affected by unhealthy boundaries,” she says.
Clearly define your needs and how you’ll enforce them
When planning out what your boundaries will look like and how best to enforce them, get as granular as you can so there’s no room for interpretation or misunderstandings once you express them to the family members in question.
“Your boundaries are in place for you, not the other person,” says Swift. “Make sure to express them in a way that’s about you and what you’re going to do rather than what they ‘should’ do.”
You can include a comment about a preferred or desired behavior (“I feel disrespected when you take money from my purse without permission, so in the future please ask me first”), but because you ultimately have no control over how others will behave, the success of the boundary shouldn’t hinge on the other person — it should instead focus on what you’ll do to enforce it (“Otherwise, I’ll stop leaving my purse where you can access it”).
Set a time to communicate your boundaries
The level of discussion involved will depend on the extent of the boundaries you’re needing to set. If a relative has gotten into the habit of asking you to run a lot of one-off errands for them, and it’s making it harder for you to stay on top of your own, a quick chat requesting they text you a weekly list from now on should suffice.
Boundary issues that cut deeper, however, will probably require setting aside time to have a longer discussion. “Make sure it’s a good time for both of you to communicate where there are few distractions surrounding the discussion,” says Swift. Focus on discussing the boundary only so as to not get sidetracked, making sure to keep the discussion calm and respectful.
“If you’re trying to set boundaries when you’re angry and snippy, the other person may disregard what you say or not take you seriously,” says Swift.
Focus on using “I” statements that explain the situation or dynamic that’s causing you problems, objectively express what you’re thinking and feeling about it, and share what you’d like to do about it going forward, along with how these changes will improve your well-being. (As a cherry on top, you can also express how the changes you’re making could potentially benefit your relative too.)
Prepare for pushback
Family members accustomed to you not having strong boundaries — especially ones who have become dependent on you — may get upset, angry, or try to force you into returning to your old ways. Do everything you can to keep your cool. “Respond with firm, clear one-word responses or simple sentences that stay on point,” says Manly. If necessary, give them space to cool off. In time, they’ll eventually adjust to the fact that your new boundaries aren’t going away.
Follow through with your plans
Once you’ve expressed the boundaries you need to put in place with your family, stay firm with your follow-through. “If you’re inconsistent with your boundaries, they’re less likely to maintain the boundary,” says Swift. “If you’re not sure, they won’t be sure either.”
It may take some practice (say, rehearsing ways to say no when someone wants you to do something you don’t want to do), but continue to reinforce your needs and expectations until your new boundaries are second nature. “This is especially important with difficult family members, as they may try to test your limits,” says Swift.
Trust the process
“If you fear losing a relationship due to setting healthy boundaries, trust that anyone who truly loves you will learn to show their love by respecting your boundaries and the reasons why they’re important to your well-being,” says Manly.
Krissy Brady covers women's health and wellness.
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