4 Behaviors That Signify You're Headed Towards Divorce

If You Don’t Want a Divorce, Research Says Avoid These Unhealthy Warning Signs

What would you do if you knew that some behaviors could actually predict the untimely demise of your relationship?

After studying couples’ interactions over the course of 14 years, renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman honed in on a set of four specific behaviors that can predict which marriages will end in divorce with jaw-dropping precision. In fact, when researchers observed how frequently partners resorted to these behaviors and combined that data with survey questions about relationship satisfaction, they could accurately predict which marriages would crash and burn 93% of the time.

Gottman dubbed it “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse,” grouping together the following four behaviors: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

“Think of a relationship as a tank of love that is happiest when full: You fill up the love tank with kindness, gratitude, and expressions of love, but when you interact using the four horsemen, you deplete the love tank — and quickly,” explains New York-based marriage and family therapist Talia Litman. “When couples continue to interact using the horsemen, they are piling hurt on top of hurt, which only lengthens the time needed to heal and repair.”

The first step to ridding your relationship of these toxic habits is simply recognizing that you or your partner is guilty of them. From there, experts say you can start replacing those behaviors with healthier fixes that can rebuild your connection rather than sabotage it.

Below, experts share how to identify the four horsemen in your own relationship, as well as and ways to replace them with more positive behaviors.

The Four Horsemen That Predict Divorce, Explained

1. Contempt

Gottman’s research revealed that contempt for your partner as the number one predictor of divorce. As to why it’s so harmful, showing contempt not only makes your partner feel worthless and unloved, but can also warp your own view of them over time. Meaning, it'll make it impossible to remember a single positive trait about them or your relationship. 

Contempt can rear its ugly head in many different ways, like excessive sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, and other expressions of disrespect or disdain. Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor, certified Imago relationship therapist, and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, says it can even show up as a simple gesture — think scoffing, sneering, or eye-rolling.

“This ugly emotion makes a person feel as if they’re better than their spouse,” he explains. “It’s easy to imagine how contempt hurts a person emotionally. But research suggests that people in contemptuous relationships are more likely to become physically ill as well, likely because chronic stress can trigger systemic inflammation and actually weaken a person’s immune system.”

Since the opposite of contempt is kindness and respect, Litman recommends making it a daily practice to tell your partner something you appreciate about them. Giving them compliments and making an active effort to appeal to their love language can strengthen the foundation of your relationship so that when they inevitably do something that bothers you, you can address it in a healthy way rather than spewing hatred.

Gottman says the key is to create a “culture of appreciation and respect” in the relationship. When contempt has been mounting, he found the best way to rediscover your fondness and admiration for each other is to talk about the past. That could how you met, your first date, or your wedding day.

Discussing these happy memories can trigger those positive feelings you once had about each other, thus gradually wearing down that contempt that’s causing a divide.

2. Criticism

Neither you or your partner are perfect (apologies if this comes as a complete surprise), and it’s fine to acknowledge where you both could improve. But when you start turning their supposed shortcomings into an attack on their character, that’s the kind of criticism that can do some serious damage to your relationship.

“Over time, repeated criticism can lead to deep feelings of rejection and distrust, and it also tends to give rise to the other three horsemen,” explains Slatkin. “This isn’t to be confused with constructive feedback, which can be uncomfortable but necessary for expressing concerns, establishing healthy boundaries, and resolving conflict.”

Litman notes that at its worst, this can look like an attack on their character (“you’re so lazy”) and sweeping generalizations (“you never remember anything”). 

That said, there is a way to point out something that bothers you. Slatkin suggests making an observational statement that starts with “I” rather than “you,” which is less likely to put your partner on the defensive. Center your statement around your feelings, rather than their actions. For example, try saying, “I get upset when you show up late to dinner because it feels like you don’t value spending time with me or prioritize me,” rather than something like, “You’re always late, you obviously don’t care about my time.”

“In the second example, the person is putting down their partner and making an absolute judgment about who they are,” says Slatkin. “In the second example, the person is addressing an issue they have with their partner’s actions. The second statement is simply hurtful, while the first is more conducive to healthy conflict resolution.”

3. Defensiveness

When your partner expresses an issue with something you did or said, how do you react? Do you carefully consider and validate their concerns? Or do you immediately take on a defensive stance, making excuses and denying any wrongdoing?

“It’s normal to feel defensive in the face of unfair criticism, contempt, or attacks on your personal character,” explains Slatkin. “But when a person starts to exhibit a lot of defensiveness within their relationship, this can quickly lead to a stressful and unproductive cycle.”

The problem with refusing to take responsibility for your mistakes is that it sends a very hurtful message to your partner. You're saying their feelings don’t matter to you, nor do you care about their concerns. As you might’ve guessed, this can quickly breed resentment that turns into contempt.

“Instead of trying to see things from their partner’s perspective or own their role in a problem, a defensive partner will tend to self-victimize themselves or shift the blame onto their partner,” adds Slatkin. “Instead of addressing and solving problems together, a couple may enter a cycle of finger-pointing.”

It may take some practice, but Litman recommends making an effort to validate your partner’s concerns rather than justifying your own behavior. When your partner brings up an issue, try to approach your response from a standpoint of curiosity while asking questions to better understand their concern. For example, ask this: “How does it make you feel when I do that? What is it about this that bothers you? Is there something I can do differently that would work better next time?”

Once you understand where they’re coming from, it’ll hopefully be easier to take accountability for your part in their concern. Remember that it’s important to apologize for hurting your partner’s feelings, even if your intention wasn’t to hurt them.

4. Stonewalling

Do you and your partner talk things out when there's conflict until you can reach a resolution? Or does one of you shut down and ice the other out? The latter behavior is called “stonewalling,” and Gottman identified it as the fourth horseman that can predict divorce.

Stonewalling might entail tuning your partner out and giving them the silent treatment, pulling out your phone and ignoring them, or even withdrawing from the interaction entirely and leaving the room. Regardless, this evasive approach can be infuriating for the other person.

The important thing to understand about stonewalling is that it often happens when you’re feeling psychologically flooded. You’re so overwhelmed by what you’re feeling that you simply cannot deal, leaving you to pull back physically, mentally, and emotionally. While you may not intend to frustrate your partner, the truth is that this coping mechanism can do a lot of damage over time. Not only will you never resolve your conflicts, but your partner may end up feeling unsafe when confronting you.

“Being stonewalled is usually distressing to the other person, who feels abandoned and shut out which can make them angrier and perpetuate the cycle,” explains Litman. 

Next time you have the urge to stonewall, Litman suggests communicating to your partner that you’re feeling flooded and asking for a time out. Use the timeout to do something that’s soothing to you, whether that means doing some deep breathing exercises, reading a book, taking a walk or going for a run, or listening to music or a podcast. According to Slatkin, you’ll need at least 20 minutes to emotionally regulate and return to your baseline. Once you’re feeling present and calm, you can then resume the discussion with your partner.

It may take some time to adjust these behaviors, so don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t able to eradicate them from your relationship overnight. Simply acknowledging that they’re problematic and committing to try a different approach can go a long way.

“When couples are willing to put in the effort and change their behaviors, transformation is possible,” says Litman. “Even couples that interact with lots of contempt can develop more caring, loving ways of communicating. Although couples may slip back into old patterns from time to time, if they can catch themselves and repair quickly, the relationship doesn’t break down.”

And if you’re still struggling to use the antidotes to these behaviors, Slatkin recommends working with a "licensed mental health professional or marriage counselor [who] can provide valuable objective insights and help you ‘unstick’ yourself from strong habits and beliefs."

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