'Fourteen Talks:' New book tackles the conversations parents should have with kids before they turn 14

Fourteen is a big year in the life of a child. Usually they're heading off to high school to start their freshman year. Soon, they'll be getting their learner's permit. And, during non-pandemic times, they'll be spending much more time at school and activities and with their friends.

"Fourteen Talks" tackles a variety of topics—from independence and changing friendships to sexuality, reputations and impulsivity. Her hope is that parents have these conversations with their kids during middle school instead of hollering some advice as they head out for their first day of high school.

"This is a better way of creating a strong foundation when they are in that bridge of being a little kid and a big kid," Icard said in an interview.

Icard is the creator middle school leadership programs, Athena's Path and Hero's Pursuit, which have taken place via Zoom during the pandemic and happened during in-person programs across the country for years before it. She also is author of "Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years." That book covers the physical, mental and social changes that middle schoolers undergo and provides a guide to parents for how to handle them.

"Middle School Makeover" is the book that I fell back on to understand my older child during those tween years. It's one I'll reread as my younger daughter heads into middle school next year. And it's the book I recommend to all of my friends who are worried that middle school will be absolutely awful. (Spoiler alert: It doesn't have to be.)

From working with middle schoolers and their parents for years, Icard knows the topics she tackles in her new book are tricky for some parents to navigate. And, she said, the biggest fear from parents is that if they attempt to broach any of them, their kid will leave the room.

"I wanted to find a way to help parents make their way into these conversations with their tween or early teen that wouldn't cause a kid to shut down immediately," she said.

"Fourteen Talks" lays out a road map of sorts to do just that. In it, she describes the so-called BRIEF model. BRIEF stands for Begin Peacefully, Relate to them, Interview for data, Echo what you hear and take your Final step.

So, if you're going to talk about vaping, you'd begin peacefully by scheduling a time to talk generally and gently about the topic. As you discuss, you can relate to your child by saying something like vaping was never something you had to worry about when you were a kid.

Then, interview them for data by asking them some neutral questions to get a better understanding of what your child knows. Ask questions like, "What is your sense of how big a problem this is? Do you think adults are overblowing it or do you think it's really an issue? What have you heard about the health factors?"

Then echo what you hear. "This is your chance to check for comprehension and make sure you get what your kid is saying," Icard said.

During the final step, parents can give some feedback. "Most parents like to start at the final step, but you really have to earn your kid's trust and talk about things with empathy and interest," she said. "When you go through the steps, your child is much more receptive when you get to F."

In the book, Icard guides you along the way with foundational information about each of the topics for this age group and provides some sample scripts, so you have a plan. But she's also quick to say that your child won't have a script with them to follow along with. "It's really more of an improv experience," she said. "But I think it takes the anxiety out of what the parent would say."

Icard said she hopes the book gives parents the tools they need to understand their child's emerging desire for independence and build a foundation of trust and understanding that will carry them beyond the tween years. Even if they're rolling their eyes, they're still listening.

"Who else is to say, but their peers, that they should be doing this or shouldn't be doing this," Icard said. "To have another voice in their head that gives them really clear guidance on it and not just, 'well, this is our family values and there you have it.,' but really explores it. The book gives you the words.

"It's all about earning their trust," she said. "And later in high school, when the topics and the consequences get bigger, they are more likely to come to you then as well because you've already established that you're easy to talk to about this stuff."