The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Stupid

(Permanent Musical Accompaniment To This Post)

Being our semi-regular weekly survey of what’s goin’ down in the several states where, as we know, the real work of governmentin’ gets done and where you let all your earthly thoughts be a prayer.

The hills are alive with the sound of stupid these days, so let’s start in Tennessee, where they’re drawing a line against the imminent Antifa invasion of Dollywood. Or something. From the Tennessean:

There was also back-and-forth between the chambers on how harshly to punish protesters for camping overnight on state property. While the final version ultimately made the offense a felony, the Senate at first passed the bill with an amendment that kept it a misdemeanor. Democrats largely resisted the legislation, and some Republicans raised questions and concerns about repercussions for people who aren't actually protesting, such as families having a picnic or a person taking a midday nap on War Memorial Plaza.

Felony snoozing? Really? You’ll take my midday naps when you pry them from my cold, dead, lazy-ass fingers, dammit.

While House Majority Leader William Lamberth, R-Portland, filed a version of the bill Friday that would have taken away discretion from local district attorneys who determine that a particular offense shouldn't be prosecuted, that provision was ultimately removed after pushback from prosecutors around the state. The final version of the bill did not authorize the state attorney general to step in and prosecute those cases, as Lamberth had proposed, but rather will call attention to any local prosecutor who declines to move forward with protest charges by requiring the District Attorneys General Conference to file an annual report about how those cases were handled.

Not only is this law completely abhorrent in any country with a First Amendment, it’s also fiscally insane.

The bill — which will cost as much as $1.3 million per year between state and local government — was a source of contention between the House, Senate and governor's office, undergoing numerous rounds of changes into the final hours of the special session.

I am unclear if this estimate includes the vast legal bills it will cost Tennessee to get shredded in federal court. I guess we’ll count that cost later on.

Step right up...Billy Woods!

We move on down to Marion County, Florida, where a local sheriff is drawing a bright line against public safety. From the Ocala Star-Banner:

As the city of Ocala wrestles with an ordinance requiring face coverings for people inside businesses, Marion County Sheriff Billy Woods told his employees they will not wear masks at work and visitors to his office can’t wear masks either. Woods, in an email dated Aug. 11, said “my order will stand as is when you are on-duty/working as my employee and representing my Office – masks will not be worn.” Ocala City Council passed an emergency ordinance last week requiring people to wear masks inside businesses. Mayor Kent Guinn vetoed it Monday and the council will meet Wednesday to consider overriding the veto. Marion County set a single-day record on Tuesday for the most deaths related to COVID-19, with 13 more deaths reported.

FREEDUMB!!!!!!!!

The sheriff said if anyone confronts an employee about them not wearing mask, the employee should “politely and professionally tell them I am not required to wear a mask nor will I, per the Order of the Sheriff,” and walk away. “From that point on it will be my burden and responsibility to take care of the person and answer their problem, complaint or their question,” Woods said. For those visiting a MCSO office, Woods said “effective immediately, any individual walking in to any one of our lobbies (which includes the main office and all district offices) that is wearing a mask will be asked to remove it.” He added, “in light of the current events when it comes to the sentiment and/or hatred toward law enforcement in our country today, this is being done to ensure there is clear communication and for identification purposes of any individual walking into a lobby.”

From COVID denial to Blue Lives Matter in one swell foop. Yes, if you’re going to play Wingnut Bingo with Sheriff Woods, you’re going to need a card the size of a UPS truck.

Kindred souls can be found in Idaho, that white person’s garrison state, where the state’s Republicans seem unclear on this whole local government thing. From Boise State Public Radio:

A group of Idaho lawmakers is pushing a bill that would strip the power of public health districts to close schools during an emergency or mandate masks to prevent the spread of disease. ... Many lawmakers said local school board members should be making these decisions, as opposed to public health district board members. ... But board members from one part of the district can cast a vote that can affect residents in other parts of the district, similar to the Idaho legislature.

Have we mentioned....FREEDUMB??????

Sen. Steven Thayn (R-Emmett) was among those who supported the measure. “We’re letting a few fearful people control the lives of those of us who are not fearful,” Thayn said. “Listening to experts to set policy is an elitist approach and I’m very fearful of an elitist approach,” he said. “I’m also fearful that it leads to totalitarianism, especially when you say, ‘Well. We’re doing it for the public good.’”

I’m sure that, one day, Senator Thayn will find a good landscaper to handle his bypass surgery.

Steven Thayne is no fan of experts.

We slide on across the latitudes to Wisconsin, where the good people of Elmbrook have decided to re-open their schools for in-person learning. The officials there apparently worked hard at finding protocols under which to do so. But, I suspect that they didn’t reckon with certain theological considerations. From the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel:

Along with returning to in-person learning, the board also made a decision on requiring students to wear masks. However, not everyone liked that idea. “Six-foot distance and wearing masks are pagan rituals of satanic worshipers,” said parent Heidi Anderson. “My kids are Christian they are not subject to wearing masks.”

“This has not been easy,” said Scott Wheeler, president of the Elmbrook School Board.

No, I’ll bet it hasn’t been.

And we conclude, as is our custom, in the great state of Oklahoma, whence Blog Official Sidewinder Unwinder Friedman of the Plains brings us the tale of yet another state government struggling with the shackles of that pesky First Amendment. From the Tulsa World:

Capt. Jacob Johnston said all participants of a demonstration are at risk of exposure to chemical irritants if they don’t follow police orders to vacate the area because of the actions of others who act violently or unlawfully. He said peaceful protesters, bystanders and journalists must understand that they are part of the whole assembly and become subject to tear gas or pepper balls when police label a protest as unlawful. “It’s kind of like the whole classroom is getting punished because a few kids are acting up,” Johnston said.

Lt. Todd Taylor, joining virtually, later added that one person in a crowd can ruin it for everybody. Johnston said an assembly must become unlawful before police deploy chemical munitions. He said that if members of a protest begin throwing rocks, breaking windows or otherwise acting unlawfully, then police will announce — if feasible — that the crowd needs to leave before using tear gas or pepper spray to disperse it.

I trust that the gales blowing through the loopholes of this policy prescription were strong enough to knock you down. Or maybe it was the pepper balls.

This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

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Charles P. Pierce

Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976. He lives near Boston and has three children.