Anyone who’s ever been on a first date, job interview, or participated in public speaking has probably experienced a lack of confidence at one point or another. This isn’t because everyone who dates or is hunting for a job is insecure, of course, it’s because confidence isn’t inherent — it’s mental. Even the most confident people will find themselves in situations that make them feel anything but confident. That’s why the most common advice when it comes to how to be more confident is to simply fake it. The vast majority of people aren’t born with confidence oozing out of them. It’s something that is built daily, even (and maybe even especially) when you don’t feel it at all. Luckily, though, as NYC-based psychiatrist Dr. Zlatin Ivanov explains, it’s never too late to build confidence — especially if you have the tools to do so.
Know where you’re at & start where you’re at.
Dr. Cheri McDonald, a life mastery coach and licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Woman’s Day that knowing that “now is the best place to start” is an important key to beginning the journey to confidence.
“This first step includes being accountable for how you want to show up in your life. Begin with taking inventory of where you are and where you desire to be in expressing the charism of confidence,” Dr. McDonald says.
Stop limiting yourself.
Another first, big step to finally becoming confident? Stop limiting yourself, Dr. Ivanov says.
“Get rid of any limiting thoughts and mindsets. They hold you back. Thoughts like: ‘I don’t know if I can do this…’, or ‘I’m not sure if this is the way to be done…’, or ‘What if I’m wrong?’ simply keep you distant from reaching your goals,” Dr. Ivanov tells Woman’s Day. “How would you know if you never try? It’s OK for mistakes to be made. Through the mistakes we learn how to do things the right way. And it is one of the best ways to build confidence.”
Fail first, succeed later.
You can’t expect to become confident without first attempting to be confident. And this means that somewhere along the way, you’re probably going to fail. This is progress, though. And it’s important, whether it’s perfect or not.
“A baby never asks if this is the right way to walk,” Dr. Ivanov says. “One tries to walk, falls, stands up and falls again. Until it is confident enough to make the walk of its life. Practice makes perfect.”
Stop using your parents or your past as an excuse.
If you find yourself using your upbringing as an excuse for not making the changes in your life necessary to become confident, try to stop yourself in your tracks.
“Some people use their parents as an excuse for their lack of confidence, or the conditions they were raised in. If you keep blaming your past, nothing will change,” Dr. Ivanov says. “Instead of blaming yourself for the past and thinking: ‘I should have done that then instead…’ or ‘I should have listened to what they told me back then…’ encourage yourself on building confidence in the future: ‘I know I can do this!’ and ‘I am positive this will work!’, etc. And keep trying. No one has the golden key of knowledge of how everything works. But that is why we have to keep trying.”
Remember: you own your life.
Those decisions you’re afraid to make? The confidence you’re afraid to show? All of that is fully in your control, and it’s up to you and only you to act on all of it. Knowing and believing that this is your life and your decisions is a huge step to feeling confident enough to make those decisions.
“You own your life, so what decisions you make now is entirely up to you,” Dr. Ivanov says.
Visualize your “true self.”
Odds are you’ve thought about how you would be different as a more confident person. Would you be more successful? Happier? More outgoing? More social? Dr. McDonald suggests actively visualizing this person as a way to become more confident, more quickly.
“Positive visualization is one of the most powerful tools we can get immediate access to use in building our confidence. Studies show that what you focus on and visualize manifests in desired outcome, as seen in an experiment by Australian Psychologist Alan Richardson who took a group of basketball players and tested their ability to perform free throws,” Dr. McDonald says. “He divided them in three groups: the first group practiced daily; [the] second group visualized making free throws with no physical practice and the third group did not practice or visualize. He found the group who visualized made significant improvement and were almost as good as those who physically practiced.”
Do one small thing outside of your comfort zone every day.
An international speaker and bestselling author of You’ve Got This! The Life-Changing Power of Trusting Yourself, Margie Warrell says that one way to practice confidence is to participate in a “train the brave” challenge for seven days.
“Commit to doing just one thing every single day that stretches you and takes you out of your comfort zone,” Warrell tells Woman’s Day. “Put a chart on your wall and tick off each day's progress as you go along. This takes the 'fake it til you make it' hypotheses but sets it up in a way that has parameters. Just one thing every day for seven days is specific and less overwhelming than a general ‘act as if’ advice.”
Consult your future self.
Another trip from Warrell? Take that future version of yourself you’ve been envisioning and, well... talk to them.
“Imagine it’s a year from now and you’re looking back at your situation today. What would your future self want you to do?” Warrell suggests. “Most of us focus on the short term and discount the cost of sticking with situations we’re not happy with. Consulting with our ‘future self’ helps us look at our situation through a larger life lens which often helps us get more present.”
Embrace discomfort.
If you dread that feeling of being nervous or insecure during a job interview or first date, then congratulations: You’re human! This discomfort may fade over time as you build confidence, but it will never completely go away — and that’s actually a good thing. As Warrell suggests, embracing this discomfort is key to becoming more secure.
“Doing something when you’re not really confident often gives rise to nervous feelings in our body. Butterflies in our belly. Sweaty hands. Tight chest. When we embrace the physical sensations as evidence that we are being true to ourselves — a sign that we are ‘on the field’ rather than sitting passively in the stands watching life pass us by - it shifts our experience of them,” Warrell says.
Leave perfectionism behind.
Repeat after me: Being confident is not the same thing as being perfect. Leave your perfectionism behind and you’ll be better for it, Warrell says.
“We women often set the bar so high for ourselves that we hold back from trying things because we’re afraid we’re not going to nail it perfectly, first time, every time,” Warrell explains. “By lowering the bar of what success looks like and giving ourselves permission to just be ‘okay’ as we start out, it liberates us to dare to try things we’d previously held back on.”
