Tools for Developing Positive Masculinity

When working with clients in therapy, there is often a point when they are ready to make a change in their life, but the way forward seems unclear. “These things we’re discussing are great,” they say, “That change is what I’m looking for. But how do I actually do it?”

That question of "how" is pivotal because, without practical methods for change, all that’s left is a discussion about pleasant aspirations. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could simply be "that way" instead of "this way"?

As men in our quest for a positive masculinity, we face the same challenge. To shift the focus from how we should not be to what we can be, we need real tools for how we do that.

To find this, we can begin by returning to the qualities of “traditional masculine ideology” discussed in the previous installment of this series. As a reminder, Ronald Levant’s research listed the following traits as definitive of traditional masculine ideology:

• Avoidance of femininity
• Negativity toward sexual minorities
• Self-reliance
• Aggression/toughness
• Achievement/status/dominance
• Attitudes toward sex
• Restrictive emotionality

If we look more closely at these points, a pattern emerges. These seven traits are hyper-focused on the outside world and how others see and judge us as men. Don’t be weak. Don’t be effeminate. Make sure you come out on top, have all the answers, and always win.

As we turn toward a positive masculinity, we would do well to look in the other direction and turn our focus inward. If we possess a strong intrinsic sense of our own masculinity, then we can begin to let go of the pressure to prove or earn our place as men. A man doesn’t need to eschew femininity if he is solidly grounded in his masculinity. He does not need to be aggressive toward others because others are no longer an existential threat.

The skills required for this inward growth are the same that are needed for a successful experience in therapy and for any meaningful change in life. The following practices can be done anytime, anywhere, but I also recommend spending time writing down your thoughts and observations.

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to step outside ourselves and observe our inner experience. It involves exploring those observations to better understand what lies beneath our thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Only by becoming aware of our internal processes are we empowered to do something about them.

Practice: Take a few slow, deep breaths. Inhale all the way down into your diaphragm, and slowly exhale. As you do so, bring your attention to your body and the sensations you’re experiencing. This is a particularly helpful practice in moments when you’re experiencing a strong emotional response. Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling? Name it as specifically as you can, and focus only on your inner experience, not your thoughts about others or their actions.
• Where in my body am I feeling it? What is the sensation?
• What action do I feel prompted to take because of this emotion? In the case of anger, fear, or shame, this action often ends up being a defensive reaction aimed at escaping discomfort.
• What’s behind this emotion? Does this emotion remind me of anything from my past? Did the circumstances that led to this emotion bring up feelings from difficult experiences in my past?

Mindfulness

While awareness of mindfulness has grown, it is often misunderstood. Mindfulness is about embracing the full range of our emotional experiences, even if they are uncomfortable or painful. It is a willingness and ability to feel all our emotions, no matter what they are, without clinging to or rejecting them.

Mindfulness is the antidote to suffering because we release the impulse to resist our discomfort and instead allow our feelings to flow unrestricted. However, this does not mean that we act on the emotion. We don’t resist it or let it latch on to us. Rather, we allow it to flow through us.

Practice: This mindfulness practice builds on the previous exercise. As you are breathing slowly and deeply, bring your attention to your body and identify any areas of tension. Breathe deeply and release that tension.

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If you find an uncomfortable emotion, take another breath, and allow that emotion to flow through your body. Imagine the emotion as wind blowing through the leaves of a tree, passing through you. Continue slow, rhythmic breathing until the emotion subsides. Slow, deep breathing “metabolizes” emotion in the body and brings us back to baseline.

Courage to Explore

Finally, we need the willingness and courage to look at the uncomfortable or painful parts of our inner world. These parts are often unresolved or unaddressed, and they likely show up in our lives in unhealthy or dysfunctional ways.

Mindfulness is the exercise that helps us tolerate the discomfort of those parts. We must then explore them to understand their roots and what needs resolving to lead us to greater inner peace. Carl Jung called these parts the “shadow.” We have rejected these shadows from our personality through socialization or traumatic experience, and we have an impulsive desire to reject them or not be associated with them.

We can recognize that the shadow is at play when we have a strong reaction that is disproportionate to the situation. When that happens, it is a sign that something needs to be investigated. This self-exploration will take time and leads to continued self-mastery.

Practice: Again, this practice works well when experiencing a strong emotional reaction to something, particularly if it is frustrating or angering. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Bring your attention to your body and the emotions moving through it. Use the breath to open to the emotion as you did in the mindfulness exercise. Allow the emotion to run its course, and then spend some time exploring it.

Ask yourself:

• What is it about this situation that sparks this emotional reaction in me?
• Does it remind me of any experiences from my past?
• What about this situation is something that I dislike, detest, or don’t want to be associated with?
• What unmet needs may this shadow element be highlighting?
• In what ways can I attempt to meet those needs?

These three fundamental skills will serve as a reliable foundation as we continue to strive for a positive masculinity. They give us a platform for managing the ups and downs of life and help us to face things that may be limiting our personal growth. They are not quick fixes; rather, they are tools that can serve us throughout our lives as we strive to become our best selves.