I teared up when I saw the message.
“Guess who just got vaccinated!” my mother wrote in a group text to me and my two sisters.
I know she will need a second dose, but this means it’s really happening: After nearly a year, I might be able to finally stop worrying, daily, that my mother, who has pre-existing conditions, who works in healthcare, might get sick and die from this monster of a virus.
Soon, I can finally stop yelling at her about going in to her office. Or to the grocery store.
Soon, my stepfather can finally stop playing warden, doing all he can to keep her at home.
Soon, I can give her a real hug, not the just-for-half-a-second, heads far apart, masked ones we’ve indulged only a few times. You don’t realize how important hugging your mother is until you can’t do it properly anymore.
And I don’t think I truly realized the depth of my fear until I felt the depth of my relief.
I’m not alone. As the vaccine rollout has begun in earnest there are others are hopeful about the light at the end of the tunnel. For them. For their loved ones. The coming-soon relief of the terrible anxieties we’ve all harbored.
Have you really checked in on the weight of worry you’ve been carrying? My coworker Amy Z. Quinn describes it perfectly — “a baseline level of existential dread” over trying to keep her family safe.
“Like, every time I go out of the house, am I going to come home and bring death with me?” she says.
Who knew this would be our collective 2020?
Now, knowing that her mother and husband, who are both over 65 with health concerns, can get vaccinated, it’s a different anxiety, she explains.
“It’s, ‘Oh my god, what if they get sick before we can get an appointment,’” she says. “I think I will cry like a baby when they get those shots.”
The rush for appointments is the latest COVID-19 challenge. Since the first day New Jersey residents could make appointments, so many have tried and been unsuccessful — and continue to refresh websites. I know their frustration.
And it’s easy to forget there’s a mental health toll for all of us living through a pandemic, no matter our brave faces. We’re in survival mode. We’re carrying it all.
“We’re starting to realize how omnipresent the fear has been for the past 10-plus months,” says Dr. Anthony Tasso, deputy director of psychology and counseling at Fairleigh Dickinson University. “It’s been off the radar for many people just how dreadful this entire experience has been — worrying about elderly family members, those with preexisting conditions or just those who aren’t taking the greatest level of precautions. That worry has been solid and steady for most people, and now that the vaccine is here, the renewed optimism is creeping in, as it should.”
Optimism. Remember that?
Francia Castillo, a practice administrator for a doctor’s office in Scotch Plains, says she wasn’t so concerned about contracting the virus at work, but more so at home, with her 18- and 20-year-old children and her husband who is a police officer.
She says she was “very excited” when she found out she could get the vaccine, as were the people in her office.
“We were desperately waiting for that email,” Castillo says. “I felt relieved. And I felt very lucky that I am healthcare and that I was able to get the vaccine before everybody else. You have no idea how many people we have, especially our elderly patients, calling our office every day about the vaccine.”
On Facebook, I asked friends how they felt after getting the vaccine or after their loved ones received it.
“Relief is an understatement,” said one.
Another friend, who has worked throughout the pandemic, said he always assumed it was a matter of time before he got COVID-19, even though he always wore his mask. He gets his first dose of the vaccine on Tuesday.
“The relief I feel about this is indescribable,” his girlfriend added.
Still, we aren’t out of the woods just yet. Any doctor will tell you that.
“A vaccinated person should still be careful because there is that small 5 percent possibility they are still susceptible,” says Dr. Carl S. Goldstein, clinical professor of medicine at Rutgers-Robert Wood Johnson medical school. “The demonstrated protection afforded by these vaccines is terrific, but not absolute.”
He says, like the flu vaccine, the expectation is that if a vaccinated person were to get COVID-19 it should be milder, and the vaccine should provide a substantial reduction in more serious issues that might require hospitalization. But the vaccinated may still spread the disease, especially if they are infected and asymptomatic.
“So for public health reasons, it’s important to wear a mask still,” Goldstein says.
On Thursday, after an hour wait on the phone, I got through to Summit Medical Group for my father, who just turned 77 and is on oxygen. I was caller 29 and then 12 and then next in line. When the receptionist picked up, I braced for rejection.
“I’m sure everyone before me had the same question, but can I book an appointment for a vaccine?” I asked tentatively.
Her response — “What’s your father’s birthday?” and then, “how’s February 8th?” — had me over the moon. My dad was amazed. And grateful.
“How’s that for a birthday present?” I said.
Later that day, the group sent out a message to all their patients telling them there were no more appointments and to please stop calling. My dad forwarded it to me.
“We got lucky,” I replied.
Jessica Remo may be reached at jremo@njadvancemedia.com. Follow her on Twitter @JessicaRemoNJ. Find NJ.com on Facebook.
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